More on Daytona

I had a good trip down the U.S. coast  (lots warmer there).  It was a getaway; also an opportunity to do some training bike rides.  It was also a nostalgic trip, as it was the first road trip for Carmen and I did in May 1982 to Daytona Beach.  That trip had started in New York City.  We spent time in Washington and Virginia Beach.  We bought a basket of male blue crabs off a fishing boat at the pier and ended up boiling them on a Coleman stove at the campsite in the dark.  We picked strawberries in Virginia Beach.  The black woman organising the pickers on to the rows would shout out “Come on Down” in an Old South accent like on the game show Price is Right.

On the way back, we stopped at a beach, I think in South Carolina.  We were collecting shells on a sand bar in a river’s mouth.  There were a bunch of other people there including a someone fishing.  Suddenly, we noticed that no one else was on the sand bar with us.   The tide was coming in and the sand bridge to the mainland was now a strong flowing river that was over our waists.  It was the first time I knew that Carmen was terrified of the water because she couldn’t swim.

Easter Sunday

It’s one year in another sense.  Alicia said she will always remember that her mom died on Easter Sunday.  A day when the whole family was there.  A day that was warm, bright and sunny.  A day of resurrection.

Daytona Beach

Drove from Boston to Virginia Beach, Myrtle Beach, Daytona Beach

(Fri. Apr. 15). I didn’t calculate the distance from Myrtle Beach too well.  I didn’t leave until around noon.  When I punched in my destination on the GPS, it said 7 ½ hours.  I thought it was going to be more like 5.  It was a long drive but I arrived at twilight and could still go on the beach.  The moon is almost full so you can really go on the beach and easily see anytime of night.

It was a really good day.  Had the included breakfast then I roller bladed in the morning.  I’m really starting to feel comfortable in them.  Never fell yet but still wear my wrist guards.  I think it would be hard to drive back if I sprained them.  The feel is very similar to ice skates.  I needed make a quick turn in a driveway and I just did a crosscut without really thinking about it.  On the way back, I rolled into the neighbouring lobby and asked for Internet access code.  The receptionist just gave me the slip of paper and luckily didn’t ask if I was staying there.  I knew I could connect to their wireless from my room.  My hotel had daily paid Internet.

After that, ocean then pool.  Read a bit by the pool.  Cruised the “strip” before going to Publix deli for a lunch sandwich, some fruit and drinks.  Did the Internet during peak sunburn times 2-3:30, also a little nap in the shade at the pool.  I bought a small canvas air mattress at Publix to play in the waves.  Did that then pool.

Then I rode my bike down the beach.  The tire tracks where the cars drive are harder to ride along than flat damp sand.  Unfortunately the tide was really coming in so there wasn’t much left to ride on by the time I got near the boardwalk.  I just rode on 1A1.  There’s a wide shoulder and traffic wasn’t moving too fast through the busy section.  Walked the boardwalk.  There was a cheerleading competition on and lots of groups walking around in uniform.  The ride back was really fast with the wind at my back.  Did another ocean – pool swim.

Checked the Internet for the nearest Cracker Barrel.  There are two in the Daytona Beach area.  Went and it wasn’t busy at all.  Drove past the International Speedway on the way back into downtown.  Found a karaoke bar and sang David Bowie’s Space Oddity and Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World.

Came back.  Refilled the ice in the cooler and drank some of the wine I had bought (One bottle lasted the whole trip.) Slept and got up at sunrise.

The Second Year

I dreaded reaching April.  To have to say Carmen died last April seems so long ago.

Many bereaved widows and widowers I’ve talked to say the second year seems hardest.  The first year is filled with activity, adjustments and sympathetic acknowledgement.  There is the assumption that you will move onwards after a year although the reality is the absolute finality of  death is just starting to sink in.

Another Day

Yesterday, I got up early to go to OPG Darlington (Nuclear Storage Facility)  I had to replace a RAID mirrored disk (based on a 3 year rotation).  I expected to be there until 3 pm but left around noon so I ended up stopping at the Ajax Downs Casino.  I played a few slots and $1 video poker.  Then I noticed $5 poker had better odds.  I played $10 and left with $50.

I came home for lunch and realized I needed to check on a problem I had looked into at Celplast on Sunday morning.  Installed a software change there then went down to help run the Bingo session at Rotary.

Came home and baked a frozen Lasagna since there wasn’t much in the fridge.  Did a load of laundry since I need to pack for Boston today.

I was tired so I slept.

The one year passed at 8 pm while I was driving home from Rotary Bingo.  While I will always remember Carmen on April 4;  Right now it didn’t represent any day that I thought anymore frequently about her.  It was the day she passed away but there are many other happy anniversaries that I will cherish and remember fondly.

 

She Died In My Arms

She died in my arms.  I put her back down on the pillow and Angela said with imploring eyes, “Is that it?”

Melinda stood stunned behind me, as she was the first to realise that Carmen had left.

Carmen had said about a month ago.  “I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.”  I couldn’t reply.  I couldn’t acknowledge the inevitable.  I didn’t want her to think I had given up or that it was OK for her to give up.  I still wanted whatever time we had left no matter how sick she got.  It was selfish but I knew she would go when she was ready.  She was always very attune to her body.  The only real regret she had over the cancer was that she even bothered to have the one chemotherapy.  While she tolerated it quite well, it was apparent that there was no improvement.  In fact, I wondered if the chemo from the outset was primarily palliative.  If you had no faith in its healing power there was little use in getting sick and loosing your hair.

I gave her one last kiss and said, “Good-bye Hon.”

A Year Ago

It seems so long and so short time ago.  Last year at this time, Carmen was still getting around on her own.   She was in palliative care.  The team at hospital were quite good.  Anything we asked for was done.  She had two blood transfusions to get her red blood cell count higher.  They responded to any phone calls and said they had a hospital bed ready anytime we asked.

She needed the morphine for pain but the doctor also gave her a “mood stabilizer” really an anti-depressant but I always thought that it amounted to legalized ”feel good” candy for those last few weeks.  I guess like any drug related “high”, the body builds up tolerance and the effect begins to wane.  The fact that Carmen conceded and resigned herself to allopathic medicine was probably a bad sign.  She had always followed natural medicine.

Learning to Live in a New Skin

Things aren’t changing much.  I miss Carmen continuously and wonder if I should post more memories in this blog.

I went skiing on Friday.  I was just going to do a few hours since they were predicting rain/freezing rain by noon.  Lakeridge wasn’t open yet when I got there so I decided to try Skyloft.  Their chair lift seemed quite slow so I had lots of time to reflect.  I’m most comfortable doing things that I have always done myself like skiing, skating or bike riding.  So Saturday I decided to catch a movie.  I saw The King’s Speech.  It is quite good.  Well acted and set in a historic era.  You see Churchill, Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret.  Really the only social interaction at a movie happens before or after the show.  Ok there are boorish people who will talk and comment continuously through the show but most people will just sit and absorb.  So I looked around at the audience before the show.  Mostly pairs but a surprising number of singles.  Maybe I just never noticed before.

I found a bookkeeper or maybe more accurately someone who knows computers and a bit about handling money and balancing books.  Weekends are filling up.  March 18-19 in St. Catherines for Line Dance,  The Canadian Classic organized by Judy MacDonald.  March 25-28 Rotary President-Elect Training.  March 31-Apr 2 Robotics competition at The Hershey Centre.  Apr. 6-10 Boston (Line Dance, The Showdown organised by Jen and Jason Cameron)

Bookkeeper

I’m looking for someone (local) who would be able to update my books.  It’s all in MYOB (similar to Quicken).  The accounts of all set-up but cash expenses haven’t been entered for 2010.  I believe there is a slight wrinkle since HST needs to be separated after July 1, 2010.  Going forward I would expect to need someone about 4 days per year.  Let me know if you know anyone interested.

Valentines Day

Usually I’d buy flowers and/or chocolates for Carmen for Valentines.  I’d have bought chocolates anyway but I just made brownies on Sunday.  Probably enough chocolate sweets for now.

Our first Valentines was in 1982.  We had met between Carmen’s birthday and Valentines.  We felt enough about each other that we exchanged cards.  That was the start.  The next year would bring about big changes in our lives.